Man’s Struggle….
Am I meant to be alone? How I find sanctuary in solitude. I revel in the opportunity to take in my own breath and exhale in the company of unknown others. I do believe that something inside me is evolving. I idealize blazing my own path, my future. I imagine myself tucked away in a cold damp 1000+ square foot loft in downtown Los Angeles. Who needs that much room to themselves? I get to wear my conduit cut suits and drink carelessly. The pieces of motorbike splayed out in patchwork fashion(only I know what it will look like). When I make a mistake I have no one to admit fault to, to apologize to. I glance at myself as I walk past the mirror on the wall. I’ve still got it. Because I say so. I don’t need assurance, but its nice when I get a flirt from the random LA weekender that strolls into the bar I’ve made my own over the last year, the one with red leather button-down bar stools and cocktail menus written on the backs of cereal box cardboard sheets. They know my order. They also know my choice of liquors. The barmaid I had a one-night stand with, we’ve become friends and she looks out for my “type”, she thinks I need help. Funny the order of things. Fuck then friends. Thats how I make the majority of my female companions. I don’t mind it.
I enjoy being alone, its true. But the quietness of my quarters often clouds the clarity of my thoughts. Often times I’m left to question whether or not I should be so quiet and it distracts me. I’m not a hermit. I am a very affectionate person. It seems very counter-intuitive to live a life of complete muteness. I look for compromise in my friends/companions. Maybe I haven’t found the right ones. I believe my issue isn’t the issue of a hermit or loner, rather the characteristic nature of one who feels genuinely lonely. I didn’t always feel this way. There was a time when I felt complete harmony with another human. I do not believe happiness comes solely through interaction with another human being, rather it is the bane of loneliness. I am completely satisfied being alone, but I can not live happily in loneliness. Through this evolution I’ve learned a valuable lesson. I am an independent person. I enjoy controlling the outcome of my efforts. I like relying on myself. At the same time I enjoy sharing all of these thoughts openly with another person of similar concept. I have yet to find this person.
The pigeon in the Victoria Coach Bus Station is missing a foot.
